Repairing Attachment Injuries

Attachment theory in couples therapy has been long documented as a way to understand your capacity to maintain safe and secure relationships.  In sessions I call it a blueprint.  Attachment is a map of your early bonding experiences and the patterns are reinforced in your adult relationships.  Attachment Injury occurs when comfort and caring is needed, but the attachment figure (parent, caregiver, partner) is unavailable, and undermines the expectation they’ll be there for you.  For some this creates challenges and turmoil when it comes to conflict and effective repair.  The good news is you do have the ability to access security, even if your earlier experiences lacked that foundation.

Attachment Types in Conflict

Attachment can be broken down into four types.  Listed with each type are several internal thoughts experienced when in a conflict.

• Secure: “This is really hard right now, but I know I need space”, “I want to    understand, but I’m really confused why they feel so hurt right now”

• Anxious/Ambivilant:  “Oh no, this is the end, they’re leaving me for sure”, “I need to do something to solve this right now”

• Avoidant: “I knew it, I shouldn’t have said anything”

• Disorganized: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, can we be done fighting now?”, “They’re just going to hang out with friends, why am I so resentful about it?”

Flooding: What is Happening in Your Brain

Emotional flooding is when you are having an intense emotional response, and it results in physiological changes.  These changes influence your frontal lobe impacting communication and your ability to think clearly.  Sometimes these reactions can happen quickly in conflict, or even before the conflict has started.  When we are flooded it’s particularly difficult to access security, or hear what our partner is saying.  This is where fight or flight may appear, and maladaptive coping strategies take over.  

Taking a break is essential here to reduce reactivity.  It is very difficult to access security from a flooded state.  Your brain and body are competing for needs.  You want security, but your brain is telling you to protect yourself (shut down, blame, defend), so any attempts to repair will be repelled.  

What am I Protecting? 

The reactions you're having to conflict are a mirror of what you may be protecting.  By acknowledging these reactions as a part of you needing protection rather than judging yourself for not being able to “handle things” is the first step in repairing attachment injuries.  You are not alone in this.  Here are examples of vulnerabilities that people may be protecting:

• Fear of rejection

• Feeling inadequate

• Acknowledging a mistake

• Fear of disappointment, or disappointing others

• Feeling unlovable or undeserving of love

Repair and Creating a Secure Self

When things are quiet, and you’re able to have moments with yourself, what do you desire?  What do you want for yourself?  For your relationship?  What feels safe and secure for you?  When your body is calm this is the best time to connect with your true thoughts and feelings.  Acknowledge these and record them somewhere, keep them close to you.  When you do something that aligns with these truths take note of that.    

When things are calm, this is also the best time to approach your partner to repair a conflict or attachment injury.  

• Identify what felt painful for you

• Ask your partner if they are available to talk through this

• Express your feelings without blame or critique, saying “When I feel alone in the problem that is really hard for me” or “I panic when there’s conflict, I worry I’m going to be abandoned”

• Ask your partner for reassurance around the painful part by saying “I realize sometimes I need to hear that you have my back, that you’ll be there for me, can you affirm that for me before we get into what the argument was about?”

Don’t rush through these steps, allow your body to hear and feel affirming statements from your partner.  During calm moments you are most receptive to repair and connection; this is a healthy way to address the pain from an attachment injury.

Conclusion 

Attachment injury is an emotional wound in an intimate relationship, and can be reinforced in our conflicts.  When we feel flooded these wounds are likely to emerge, making repair and connection difficult.  During calm states security can become more accessible and communication about these wounds is more productive.  Couples therapy and Individual Therapy can help you identify these wounds, develop language around them, and self soothing techniques to reach a place of repair.