Why It's Okay (and Sometimes Healthy) to Go to Bed Angry

Imagine you’re lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. Your partner is turned the other way, equally just as silent. You’ve just had an argument, and every part of you wants to fix it but your brain is over exhausted and feels like mush. Does this sound familiar? We’ve all been there, struggling with the pressure and restlessness to resolve the conflict right then and there because of the countless of times we’ve been told it’s the “right” thing to do. All of us have heard the age- old advice to “never got to bed angry”, but sometimes, pausing the conversation until the morning

might be exactly what your relationship needs.

In many cases, some of the arguments we have can’t, and shouldn’t, be immediately resolved. There are arguments that need a bit more time and energy than a quick compromise or apology can offer. Going to bed angry is not a sign of failure, but rather a sign of self-advocacy, emotional intelligence, and genuine care and respect for the relationship.

Here’s why:

1. Not All Arguments Are Meant to Be Rushed

Some conflicts are deeper and more layered than what can be addressed in a single evening. Trying to force or rush a resolution before bed may lead to more frustration, misunderstanding, premature compromises, miscommunication, or even resentment. Giving the issue the time and attention it truly deserves shows respect for both the relationship and the people in it.

2. Self-Soothing Is a Strength

Taking time to calm down isn’t avoidance or stonewalling, it’s emotional regulation. Just remember that if you need to step away from the argument to take a break, let your partner know what you’re doing and give them a time frame for when you’ll be ready to revisit the conversation. Going to bed without a resolution can allow both partners the space to self-soothe, reflect, and return to the discussion with a clearer head. This break can foster better understanding, build empathy, and reduce the likelihood of defensive, critical, or contemptuous responses.

It may also be helpful to check in with yourself and notice if you're feeling emotionally dis-regulated. Try lowering your heart rate before going to bed. You can do this by finding your pulse on your wrist, neck, or chest. Set a timer for fifteen seconds and count your pulse beats. Multiply that number by four, if it falls in the range of 90 to 100, it means you’re still too physiologically escalated to have a reasonable conversation. This is the time to try some box breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or a short meditation to bring that heart rate down.

3. Rest Brings Perspective

The more tired and overwhelmed your mind gets, the harder it becomes to understand your partner or articulate your own thoughts clearly. Sleep can offer the rest and clarity needed to approach the issue with more understanding, better word choices, and a more collaborative mindset. A fresh start often makes all the difference.

4. Coming Back Is Key

Never avoid the conflict, avoidance leads to resentment. Show your partner that you care by intentionally setting aside time to revisit the issue. Come back to it when you’ve had time to process and feel more equipped to communicate effectively. When coming back to the discussion try using “I” statements when describing your perspective of the matter. Such as, “I felt sad and frustrated that I didn’t receive help with cleaning up after dinner. I wanted your help after a long

day”. This keeps the tone constructive and helps both partners feel heard rather than attacked. Remember, some issues may need to be discussed over a few separate occasions before they’re fully resolved. Be patient with yourself and with your partner.

Quick identifiers of a healthy pause vs. a harmful silence. Avoid These When Taking a Break:

• Don’t use sleep as a form of punishment or passive-aggression. This is a time to gather your thoughts, clear your head and reflect.

• Don’t walk away without explaining why, this can feel like abandonment. Tell your

partner you need the pause and that you will be ready to speak about the matter again within your given time frame.

• Don’t pretend the issue didn’t happen the next morning, follow through. It might be

helpful to remind them the next morning of that given time frame you set the night

before.

• Don’t weaponize the break by making your partner feel guilty for needing space. You very much likely needed the space as well. Remember it is important for both partners to reflect.

So the next time you find yourself in a late-night disagreement, consider that “sleeping on it” might just be the healthiest choice you can make for both of you.

This post was written and contributed by Nola Beni AMFT, recent MFT graduate of Touro University Worldwide, a COAMFTE accredited program